UNDERSTAND YOURSELF AND EACH OTHER
Understand yourself and each other.
Explore what needs explaining and something you can try saying.
Feature example · Fictional preferences
This is not an analysis of you and someone you know.
Why is planning an anniversary such a different conversation?
One person
I'll feel better once the restaurant is booked.
The other person
Let's see how we feel on the day and not plan too much.
Between partners · Worth saying first
How you plan
Separate what truly has to be decided now from what can still wait. Once that line is explicit, it stops being a tug of war.
Something to try saying
Can we settle the one thing that has to be decided, and see about the rest nearer the time?
The complete guide covers all four preferences one by one.
Different
How you plan
One person Judging · The other person Perceiving
Needs for advance decisions and flexibility may differ. Separate necessary milestones from arrangements that can still change.
A familiar momentThe anniversary is two weeks away: one of you has booked the restaurant, the other says you’ll see nearer the day.
For partnersMaking up after an argument
One difference, four relationships
One person wants to settle things, the other wants to wait. In each relationship that plays out as a different moment and needs different words. Choose the relationship when you invite someone, and the guide is written for it.
Partner
The anniversary is two weeks away: one of you has booked the restaurant, the other says you’ll see nearer the day.
For partners
Making up after an argument
Friend
Planning the same weekend: one wants to book it, the other wants to wait.
For friends
Making plans to meet
Family
One of you has every day of the visit home planned; the other would rather see when they get there.
For family
Caring without controlling
Colleague
Two weeks before the deadline, one of you has every day planned; the other wants to work it out as you go.
For colleagues
Dividing work and giving feedback
Three steps toward understanding each other
- Explore your preferences
- Invite someone and each confirm
- Read your guide for two
Your guide for two is created only after the other person participates and explicitly agrees.
These notes help start a conversation; they do not judge your relationship.